I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
