I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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