Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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