i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
