does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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