70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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