Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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