maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
