9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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