he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
