Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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