woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
