He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
