Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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