True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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