She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
