i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
sarcasm needs its own font
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
