Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
