i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
