I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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