Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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