I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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