hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
