Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He has the fingertips of a God
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