Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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