the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
