I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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