The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
