i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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