I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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