I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
