I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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