Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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