Hey man sorry I got all grabby
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
