Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
