She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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