oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
