On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She needs sedatives and a leash
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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