Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
