The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
