If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
