Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
