I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
