have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
