I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
