So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
