Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
