Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
