Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
