come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
