my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
