life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
