I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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