I wish I could punch you in the face.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
