I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
"it" just moved
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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