oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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