I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
