So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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