just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
