East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
